UPside DOWN!!!

My blog rotten for so long, because my life rotten for so long. Things in life becomes so messy and uneasy. Though my life goes up and down but my spiritual life, walk with God is only went down and down. Backslided gau gau.. Everything changed. passion fades .. all messed up. Finally understand what young adult struggling though i might only facing the tip of a ice berg. Used to judge young adult so much and now been judged lolz. God is fair.

I don't really blame my job. Yes. I really struggling at the very beginning when facing such a challenging job which require nearly perfection in things i do because single minor mistake can caused a huge impact. And high expectation kills too. I make tons of mistake and been sound gau gau.. i thought of quit don't know how many thousand times but i don't want to leave as a failure, i know this is a molding season where God dealing with my weakness. When kena sound that time, tears almost come out... . some more sound beside a pretty girl lolz .. really embarrasing but the thing is .. it tear down all my confident... i lost it all overnight. I became like tikus . . . hopeless despair.... every morning motor to work i will pray like no body business just hope i won't make any mistake. At first it went better ... but .. time i spend with God is lesser and lesser. Then begin to depend on my own. rather than depend on God.. there are few things .. make me very upsad... lost helmet, lost hp ... financial problem and emotional struggle.. make me very frustrated .. and slowly fading away .. from God ...

One sunday SSZ, before i put offering in the beg i pray God help me in such situation and i gave with all my heart then after that i found that my motor two Rim also spoiled cause bang one big hole .. . it cost me another RM80 for two second hand rim .. i begin to question God WHY!!!!! Why every time in my trouble and i trusted in You You never fail me but why now ? ... Being very stupid . blaming God ... i hardly blame God ... whether God bless me or not i normally get along .. got then Hallelujah but no miracle also nothing .. but this time .. really frustrated .. But really very stupid lolz .. i blinded myself with the situation but never thought of God helps comes in different way. That day is sunday ... 7pm only bring my motor to fix, normally i don't think got shop will operate untill that hour... if God didn't provide a way or a shop... i wouldn't be able to go to work next day also . Bang hole is my careless, not God's fault.

Once started work. Time become very very little. Time spend with family even lesser. Been burnt out by both work and ministry. Really ber tahan. I know myself not super man. I know i should focus on one of my ministry. But i still can't make up my mind, perhaps maybe not persevere ask God enough. I want to reserve time for family, not only support by money. Once started work i realize the responsibility as a son. I can't put all ministry family and work in priority, I JUST CAN'T!!!! As more money comes greater responsibility. Anyway my earning is only enough to support my self and family, people just tend of have misunderstanding that working mean rich lolz, i'm far before that. I getting very tired, more and more tired. Both physical and emotional. Sometime i really want some time for myself. I couldn't always adjust and push myself to the limit for all last minutes pop up thing. I stop joining friend go movie on week day unless is early movie, else will be really tired. Really miss you guys. I want to restore solitude in my life, restore the intimacy, the passion and the joy of salvation.

I miss sister Chai Hong so much. Every time i in despair what i need to do is just talk to her, and i just get the revelation... i knew, i always know is from God. I really can't walk this journey by myself... wondering whether should go to her CG or not hehe .. Is time to go deeper. Cannot be drag by the devil anymore !!